Hi, my name's Syddnii and so, uh, this is my blog.
(Yep, that's it, I'mma end the post there) (kidding)
I ain’t even gonna lie to you, I haven't been getting sleep these last few nights so therefore I am slightly delusional. (I was just at the store I should have bought melatonin, instead I bought checkers fries, yay for being fat and dumb! Let's goooo)
So, today I decided to be real and just talk about why I haven't been posting on any of my social media accounts except my business one, or YouTube videos or even blogging for that matter. I was barely posting in March unless it was on my business account because in order to make orders you have to put in some marketing and work. Lowkey my business is my baby. I really love it and it's something that makes me extremely happy.
(if you aren't subscribed to me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcx52XFG3T2tZyxwYIR7AUQ go subscribe)
(Go favor the stuff in my shop or my shop Because it really helps me out!
Truth is, I have a seasonal "Rut" taking over my life.
I'm going to call my seasonal depression a rut because
1. I'm not diagnosed
2. if someone who thinks I don't have seasonal depression reads this and starts attacking me I'mma either beat them up or cry
3. My mom will think I am using the word depression wrong
So I'll be calling it a seasonal rut because it seems like it only happens in the spring and it's a rut.
What's really been going on?
I've been feeling more Tamaki Amajiki more than usual aka I've been feeling very self conscious about everything I do, very insecure and just uncomfortable in my own skin.
I just don't feel pretty (sometimes I do but half the time I hate myself) or I hate looking into the mirror. I also haven't been proud of the things I'm making like writing is difficult around this time of year. (but I have been making a pretty nice story)
I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends and I've been kind of distancing and by myself which is bad considering, I'm an extrovert so I'm more outgoing and I'm not meant to be myself. I felt like I have no friends or that my opinion doesn't matter than much and a bit of anxiety when it comes to being on camera. We recently got a Big Mac (yes like the sandwich) Apple computer in the "Zoom room" (A room we use specifically for zoom, it's quite cool) and it's a crystal clear hd camera so they can see you in HD. (caught in 4k type of vibe)
I haven't been meditating or journalling, I've been kind of holding onto mean things people have said to me and it is all harming my vibration.
I start crying randomly or just for no reason. Or sometimes I'll be chilling and then it just hits me out of no where.
I haven't been working out as much as I would like to. I think I just hit a plateau in my workouts so I need to try different things, add more weight and or get myself on an actual schedule.
My school hasn't been going well either and so that makes me feel not enough and worthless. Like how do you cheat on a test and still get a 60? I wanna drop out or have a breakdown every time I step in a classroom.
How it's been affecting me?
Like I said earlier I don't like getting on zoom or attention anymore because I don't want people looking at me or I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I've mostly just been hating myself and being self conscious a lot.
All of that piled up just rolls over into sadness and I keep it in for too long to the point where it makes me go insane or I just feel numb and empty. I stay crying for no reason and just sad over anything.
The only thing that makes me happy is doing some hobbies or business things and I don't have the motivation to do any of that unless its do or die. (In which I mean, my business dies)
How am I going to change?
First off, I'm going to become more aware, listen to my thoughts and meditate.
I'm going to become more aware about what I'm watching, listening to and my thoughts. Basically I'm gonna ground myself instead of spiraling out of control.
For example, I watch a lot of anime. When I was watching My Hero Academia, I became very inspired to write my own hero story. (I know every time I write a story, I always say, 'this is the best one I've ever written' but yes this is one is amazing)
Another example is AJR's new album that came out, Ok Orchestra, and it has this song called, Joe. The song is basically like I don't think of you anymore because I do too many things, but do you think I'm cool? Which totally contradicts itself. It's a great song but it reminded me of everything that happened last year and it's like dang maybe I do still care about what they think about me. (I used to not care what any of them thought of me, its just the song that made me think for a split second)
I'm also going to stop saying mean things to myself. I'm kind to everyone else, why should I emotionally and mentally abuse myself?
They say hot girl summer is coming up and I have no idea what they're talking about because I'm not going anywhere this summer because there's still a pandemic going on and I like my taste buds and not being sick.
The only I will be doing this summer is working on my business like constantly because that's one of the things that make me happy. I also plan to do a bunch of things I like such as play video games, film YouTube videos, and just be myself. (Hopefully)
Did you just exposed yourself?
I didn't expose myself, I just made myself more real to the people. Showing that even though I may seem like I have a happy and comfortable life, I'm not always the happiest and that's okay.
Concluding thoughts.
I just listened After the Storm by Kali Uchis, and she basically says that you gotta save yourself because everyone is going though it but after the storm is when the flowers bloom.
Also if you know me and you're reading this, no I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I am okay and thank you for reading, it really means a lot.
With peace, love and positivity,
Yours truly,
Syddnii Senpai🖤
@syddnii.senpai.shop on Instagram (My etsy shop's page)
@syddniisenpai Tiktok, Twitter, and Pinterest
@the.tyrant on Instagram (My writing page)
@Tyrantttt on Wattpad.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcx52XFG3T2tZyxwYIR7AUQ (YouTube channel)
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